Moment of doubt

Moment of serious doubt. What am I doing??? Why can’t I live a simple life? Why do I have to do things differently? Why do I put myself out in the open like I’ve done in the past few weeks? Why do I make myself so vulnerable to the outside world? Why do I make myself so vulnerable to boys?

It’s as if my moment of bliss completely backfired and turbo-kicked me in the face with a thick bundle of doubt, questions and insecurities. BAM!

The little voice inside my head is nagging; saying while rolling its eyes (yes, I can feel how it’s rolling its eyes) “I told you not to hike up that mountain and scream out to the world: ‘I’M WILLING ’ You get what you ask for.”

Within the past 48 hours, all the men that I’ve had a thing for or a thing with over the past year called me up out of the blue. (Not that it’s that many and it’s more that I had a thing for them - my life is not that thrilling - but still all of three of them within 48 hours?) Guys I had not heard from – not a word, not a phone call, not an e-mail – for 4 to 6 months. Forcing me to consider the fact that I have decided to open my heart and although it is a wonderful thing, it is scaring me and I feel very vulnerable.

Then there is the business set-up. It’s going great. We get messages all the time from people who tell us that in terms of social media strategy, « we are doing everything right » and others telling us « oh, I’m not worried about you. You are going to be so successful. » So I’m going with it. Hey, we’re going to be so successful.

“But doing what exactly?” says the little voice, again, but holding a megaphone this time.

And here we go, doubt assails my whole mind. How am I going to make money? How exactly can I « guide and inspire individuals who want to integrate sustainability, values and balance into their lives and activities? » Am I being totally unrealistic? Did I get stuck in la-la land?

I stick to the writing of our business plan. Write, that I can do. I fill in the blanks where I have answers. I take a quick peak at Twitter to get some encouragement and there is this message @silkeandpatricia that says: “I love what you guys are doing. But who do you target exactly and what do you offer them?” Damn.

I call up Silke and share my doubts hoping that she’ll have the answers. She tells me that the night before when she got back from our "veranda office" in my parents’ house (the nature around it makes it such an inspiring place to work from), her roommate had cornered her and asked these exact same questions.

So here it is. Life is good. I’m very happy. I’m thrilled to be out of the corporate world, where I could have a very good, steady income, an apartment, a car, vacation time and not much time to ask myself one million questions. But I’ve chosen this life of freedom and bliss. And right now, although I know deep down inside that I’m headed the right direction, I am full of doubt. And when I want to be very honest with myself: I’m really scared.