When I moved back to Switzerland over a year and a half now, I reconnected with old friends and met new ones. Little by little, we formed a small group of women who are very different and come from various backgrounds and professions but who all engage fully and wholeheartedly in a spiritual journey.
Over these many months, we went along our paths taking numerous classes and living many experiences: from shamanism to mediumship, angel writing to Tarot, Ayurveda to yoga, past life regressions to family constellations. If there is an esoteric or ancient mystery course I’m forgetting, add it to the list: one of us has probably taken it!
We also all engaged in meditation. At least, we all tried and did our best to incorporate a few minutes of it into our daily lives. That’s for sure the one thing we all are doing and it’s helping us stay grounded and balanced.
Like I said, it’s been months. Our friendships have tightened and our conversations have gotten deeper and deeper or weirder and weirder – depending on how you look at them!
But recently something has been happening to all of us. Quite suddenly and rather simultaneously, our main preoccupation has become how to bring spirituality or consciousness into the real world, into our everyday occupation.
Many of us separated the spiritual stuff from the everyday work; or we engaged fully on the spiritual stuff and disconnected ourselves from the “real” world. It had seemed to work out. But lately, all seems to points in the direction that separation is no longer appropriate. It is time to draw a bridge between the spiritual and the concrete. It's time to really get back to the material world!
The question in our minds is “How do I bring spirituality and consciousness to the workplace however concrete, down-to-earth and materialistic the workplace?” (I.e. construction, clinical psychology, journalism, athletics, marketing, education, etc)
And very concretely: how do I bring consciousness into my profession without scaring people away, appearing to be a woo-woo witch and most of all, how do I bring what’s helped me understand so much into my work so that I no longer compromise who I am and what I want with what I do. And that’s what’s making this question feel very present and urgent.
It’s challenging times for us all because even though the old ways of doing things no longer are fulfilling, the new ones are still obscure. It’s not quite clear how this will all become possible.
What’s clear though, is that it’s nice to be around others that live similar experiences. I’m so grateful for these friendships. And most of all, it’s exciting to experience how consciousness is infiltrating our society from various angles and through various professions. Times are changing. It’s a quiet, peaceful revolution and all of us are invited to play our part. And apparently, for my friends and I, it’s time that we join the revolution.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
roots, dishes and a bike
It’s been months since I last wrote on my personal blog because I haven’t had the personal inspiration and I’ve spent so much time finding the right words for my business projects that I was depleted of personal words.
A couple of months ago, I had this sudden realization while talking on the phone with my friend Dave: I wasn’t putting the same amount of energy in my personal life than I was for my business.
I hadn’t talked to Dave, my travel buddy, for two months. That fact alone was wrong. But then, after about a minute of conversation about my business, I realized that I had nothing to tell him. No-thing. It hit me hard: nothing was going on in my life beside the fact that I was building a business. (A business about finding balance in your life, mind you.)
I always had enough energy to work and, when getting off work, I didn’t find energy to do things for me. I realized that it was a recurring theme in my life and this time I wanted to tackle it. Although I had the perfect excuse that my work was my personal business and I was infusing it with much of me, it didn’t matter. I needed energy for my own personal life or I was going to end up in exactly the same place than I had after Nautilus, after basketball, after Springboost. A recurring theme.
The fact that it was an energy thing made it easier. I was actually doing things, I had friends, I was aware of the people, things and activities I really loved in my life, I was just not pouring enough energy into them. So I took one step after another to add energy into different areas of my life.
First, I needed to take care of my body. I added a second and sometimes even third yoga class in my week. I remembered how much I enjoyed my vinyasa yoga classes in Boston and how good they made me feel. Yet, since I had moved back to Switzerland, I hadn’t taken up yoga again. In January I had started a class on Fridays, which I had attended religiously because I enjoyed it so much. There was this gym close to where I live that I had wanted to check out for months and months. I finally attended a class and loved it. It was just the kind of yoga I wanted: challenging, fast pace and energizing. It gave me that boost of energy that I needed and it made me feel good in my body. Energy for me.
Then I made a conscious switch in how I think about hanging out with friends after work and on weekends. I had slowly drifted into thinking that it took a lot of energy to add other things into my schedule and that I only had energy for making work appointments. I don’t like making appointments because it conflicts with my beloved value of flexibility.
However, when I made no plans, I was confronted by the fact that my friends did make plans and it was hard to be included if I didn’t plan with them. So I began picking up the phone and making plans. Once a week to start with. I realized that I actually really enjoyed putting more energy into seeing my friends and that in the end; it wasn’t draining my energy as I had thought, but it was giving me energy to catch up with them. It made me feel connected and it’s such a good feeling.
I’m still not super good about planning things with friends and I’m still on my "once a week" plan. It might take a bit more time to up it, but in the midst of it all, something unexpected happened. I began to feel rooted in Switzerland. Yes, rooted. At last.
Silke and I had planned a long business trip in the U.S. for the summer and while she was getting excited and trying to make plans, I found myself avoiding talking about the topic. After a few weeks, I admitted to myself: I did not feel like going to the States. I wanted to be in Switzerland.
It was a scary feeling at first because I can’t recall last time I didn’t feel like going to the States and even more so to want to really be in Switzerland (20 years ago?). Then I shared that with my brother and seeing the surprise and the smile flash across his face made me extremely happy with this new feeling of not wanting to be anywhere else in the world. To be happy with being here. How extraordinary!
Through this process, something else happened. I am no longer content with not having my own place and not having someone to share my life with. I started having these urges for random material things. I want my own dishes and cutlery. I want a high-tech mountain bike, a helmet and the outfit to go with it.
I wondered why I was paying so much attention to the plates and glasses in stores, at my friends’ house, at restaurants. Who cares what they look like, really? But in reality, it’s what they stand for that I so long for. I want to have people over, treat them to a nice meal, and make a nice cozy table so that we share a moment. I really long for that: Invite the ones I love to my home.
What about the mountain bike thing? Why in the world do I want a mountain bike? It’s because I met this amazingly cute guy whom I really liked and he said he likes to go on bike rides. I want to go on a bike ride with him. I want to bike across nature with someone I love. I really want that in my life. It maybe won’t be with him (unfortunately he has a girlfriend), but I want someone to bike along life with me.
A couple of months ago, I had this sudden realization while talking on the phone with my friend Dave: I wasn’t putting the same amount of energy in my personal life than I was for my business.
I hadn’t talked to Dave, my travel buddy, for two months. That fact alone was wrong. But then, after about a minute of conversation about my business, I realized that I had nothing to tell him. No-thing. It hit me hard: nothing was going on in my life beside the fact that I was building a business. (A business about finding balance in your life, mind you.)
I always had enough energy to work and, when getting off work, I didn’t find energy to do things for me. I realized that it was a recurring theme in my life and this time I wanted to tackle it. Although I had the perfect excuse that my work was my personal business and I was infusing it with much of me, it didn’t matter. I needed energy for my own personal life or I was going to end up in exactly the same place than I had after Nautilus, after basketball, after Springboost. A recurring theme.
The fact that it was an energy thing made it easier. I was actually doing things, I had friends, I was aware of the people, things and activities I really loved in my life, I was just not pouring enough energy into them. So I took one step after another to add energy into different areas of my life.
First, I needed to take care of my body. I added a second and sometimes even third yoga class in my week. I remembered how much I enjoyed my vinyasa yoga classes in Boston and how good they made me feel. Yet, since I had moved back to Switzerland, I hadn’t taken up yoga again. In January I had started a class on Fridays, which I had attended religiously because I enjoyed it so much. There was this gym close to where I live that I had wanted to check out for months and months. I finally attended a class and loved it. It was just the kind of yoga I wanted: challenging, fast pace and energizing. It gave me that boost of energy that I needed and it made me feel good in my body. Energy for me.
Then I made a conscious switch in how I think about hanging out with friends after work and on weekends. I had slowly drifted into thinking that it took a lot of energy to add other things into my schedule and that I only had energy for making work appointments. I don’t like making appointments because it conflicts with my beloved value of flexibility.
However, when I made no plans, I was confronted by the fact that my friends did make plans and it was hard to be included if I didn’t plan with them. So I began picking up the phone and making plans. Once a week to start with. I realized that I actually really enjoyed putting more energy into seeing my friends and that in the end; it wasn’t draining my energy as I had thought, but it was giving me energy to catch up with them. It made me feel connected and it’s such a good feeling.
I’m still not super good about planning things with friends and I’m still on my "once a week" plan. It might take a bit more time to up it, but in the midst of it all, something unexpected happened. I began to feel rooted in Switzerland. Yes, rooted. At last.
Silke and I had planned a long business trip in the U.S. for the summer and while she was getting excited and trying to make plans, I found myself avoiding talking about the topic. After a few weeks, I admitted to myself: I did not feel like going to the States. I wanted to be in Switzerland.
It was a scary feeling at first because I can’t recall last time I didn’t feel like going to the States and even more so to want to really be in Switzerland (20 years ago?). Then I shared that with my brother and seeing the surprise and the smile flash across his face made me extremely happy with this new feeling of not wanting to be anywhere else in the world. To be happy with being here. How extraordinary!
Through this process, something else happened. I am no longer content with not having my own place and not having someone to share my life with. I started having these urges for random material things. I want my own dishes and cutlery. I want a high-tech mountain bike, a helmet and the outfit to go with it.
I wondered why I was paying so much attention to the plates and glasses in stores, at my friends’ house, at restaurants. Who cares what they look like, really? But in reality, it’s what they stand for that I so long for. I want to have people over, treat them to a nice meal, and make a nice cozy table so that we share a moment. I really long for that: Invite the ones I love to my home.
What about the mountain bike thing? Why in the world do I want a mountain bike? It’s because I met this amazingly cute guy whom I really liked and he said he likes to go on bike rides. I want to go on a bike ride with him. I want to bike across nature with someone I love. I really want that in my life. It maybe won’t be with him (unfortunately he has a girlfriend), but I want someone to bike along life with me.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Moment of doubt
Moment of serious doubt. What am I doing??? Why can’t I live a simple life? Why do I have to do things differently? Why do I put myself out in the open like I’ve done in the past few weeks? Why do I make myself so vulnerable to the outside world? Why do I make myself so vulnerable to boys?
It’s as if my moment of bliss completely backfired and turbo-kicked me in the face with a thick bundle of doubt, questions and insecurities. BAM!
The little voice inside my head is nagging; saying while rolling its eyes (yes, I can feel how it’s rolling its eyes) “I told you not to hike up that mountain and scream out to the world: ‘I’M WILLING ’ You get what you ask for.”
Within the past 48 hours, all the men that I’ve had a thing for or a thing with over the past year called me up out of the blue. (Not that it’s that many and it’s more that I had a thing for them - my life is not that thrilling - but still all of three of them within 48 hours?) Guys I had not heard from – not a word, not a phone call, not an e-mail – for 4 to 6 months. Forcing me to consider the fact that I have decided to open my heart and although it is a wonderful thing, it is scaring me and I feel very vulnerable.
Then there is the business set-up. It’s going great. We get messages all the time from people who tell us that in terms of social media strategy, « we are doing everything right » and others telling us « oh, I’m not worried about you. You are going to be so successful. » So I’m going with it. Hey, we’re going to be so successful.
“But doing what exactly?” says the little voice, again, but holding a megaphone this time.
And here we go, doubt assails my whole mind. How am I going to make money? How exactly can I « guide and inspire individuals who want to integrate sustainability, values and balance into their lives and activities? » Am I being totally unrealistic? Did I get stuck in la-la land?
I stick to the writing of our business plan. Write, that I can do. I fill in the blanks where I have answers. I take a quick peak at Twitter to get some encouragement and there is this message @silkeandpatricia that says: “I love what you guys are doing. But who do you target exactly and what do you offer them?” Damn.
I call up Silke and share my doubts hoping that she’ll have the answers. She tells me that the night before when she got back from our "veranda office" in my parents’ house (the nature around it makes it such an inspiring place to work from), her roommate had cornered her and asked these exact same questions.
So here it is. Life is good. I’m very happy. I’m thrilled to be out of the corporate world, where I could have a very good, steady income, an apartment, a car, vacation time and not much time to ask myself one million questions. But I’ve chosen this life of freedom and bliss. And right now, although I know deep down inside that I’m headed the right direction, I am full of doubt. And when I want to be very honest with myself: I’m really scared.
It’s as if my moment of bliss completely backfired and turbo-kicked me in the face with a thick bundle of doubt, questions and insecurities. BAM!
The little voice inside my head is nagging; saying while rolling its eyes (yes, I can feel how it’s rolling its eyes) “I told you not to hike up that mountain and scream out to the world: ‘I’M WILLING ’ You get what you ask for.”
Within the past 48 hours, all the men that I’ve had a thing for or a thing with over the past year called me up out of the blue. (Not that it’s that many and it’s more that I had a thing for them - my life is not that thrilling - but still all of three of them within 48 hours?) Guys I had not heard from – not a word, not a phone call, not an e-mail – for 4 to 6 months. Forcing me to consider the fact that I have decided to open my heart and although it is a wonderful thing, it is scaring me and I feel very vulnerable.
Then there is the business set-up. It’s going great. We get messages all the time from people who tell us that in terms of social media strategy, « we are doing everything right » and others telling us « oh, I’m not worried about you. You are going to be so successful. » So I’m going with it. Hey, we’re going to be so successful.
“But doing what exactly?” says the little voice, again, but holding a megaphone this time.
And here we go, doubt assails my whole mind. How am I going to make money? How exactly can I « guide and inspire individuals who want to integrate sustainability, values and balance into their lives and activities? » Am I being totally unrealistic? Did I get stuck in la-la land?
I stick to the writing of our business plan. Write, that I can do. I fill in the blanks where I have answers. I take a quick peak at Twitter to get some encouragement and there is this message @silkeandpatricia that says: “I love what you guys are doing. But who do you target exactly and what do you offer them?” Damn.
I call up Silke and share my doubts hoping that she’ll have the answers. She tells me that the night before when she got back from our "veranda office" in my parents’ house (the nature around it makes it such an inspiring place to work from), her roommate had cornered her and asked these exact same questions.
So here it is. Life is good. I’m very happy. I’m thrilled to be out of the corporate world, where I could have a very good, steady income, an apartment, a car, vacation time and not much time to ask myself one million questions. But I’ve chosen this life of freedom and bliss. And right now, although I know deep down inside that I’m headed the right direction, I am full of doubt. And when I want to be very honest with myself: I’m really scared.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Moment of Bliss
It's been a long while since I have written on my personal blog. It's not that I've had nothing to write about. On the contrary. So much has happened that I've been a little overwhelmed. I'm just now beginning to integrate all the richness of my life over the past 10 months and finally able to make some sense of it.
A couple of days ago, I was talking to Silke about how I was on the verge of information overload (to further illustrate my feeling, that same evening, my computer charger caught on fire...) and that people may not understand, but I would soon need a week of vacation. At that, we burst into uncontrollable laughter. No, people would not understand: I have been on vacation since the end of November 2008!
Hear me out though: this vacation from the “real” world has been intense! I must have read at least thirty books (not including novels); I have attended numerous workshops, classes and certifications; I have done intense body, mind and spiritual work on myself; I have traveled back and forth from the U.S. five times (let's not think about my ecological footprint for now), I have visited to Lisbon, Brussels, Israel, Jordan and Egypt; and I'm setting up a business. It's been quite a year and all these experiences, all the amazing people I've met along the way, all the knowledge I have acquired, it's gotta go somewhere and my brain is full! I need an external hard drive, I think.
Anyway, this is just to say that I have not written on this blog for a long time and some of you may not have heard from me a whole lot. So here is an update of a special moment that topped everything I've been working on since I quit my job and decided to really live.
I recently spent a couple of weeks in a natural paradise by the Edisto River close to Charleston, South Carolina. I was staying at my friends' river house and taking daily trips to the river to just sit, reflect and read. It took a few days for me to overcome my fear of snakes (and all the tropical wild life) and go by the river on my own. (Surprisingly it was coming across a long black snake that got me less nervous about snakes: I realized that they were not waiting for me behind every bush and tall grass to jump out at me. They also had stuff to do that didn't involve me, me, me.)
Sitting on the dock, the view of the river is simply breathtaking. Imagine lush vegetation over-hanging on the river. Unlimited shades of green, brown and blue. Sounds of birds, fish jumping out of the water, leaves falling onto the water (it's just that quiet), bugs buzzing, clumsy squirrels dropping nuts from tall trees. Fragrances of high and low tides, fresh air and foliage. It's a place where you rarely see the trace or hear the sound of another human being. I spent hours alone or with my friend contemplating the perfect balance of stillness of nature and hyperactivity of the animal kingdom. By the river, every hour is rush hour for the dragonflies, squirrels, lizards, mosquitoes, turkey buzzards, etc. Yet, everything seems so peaceful and in harmony.
One morning, I had a moment of bliss. For those who have read the Celestine Prophecy, it’s that moment when the narrator sits on the mountain and has an intense revelation of how the Universe was created. One of these moments is hard to describe, but I attempted to describe it anyway. It's also a first attempt at "poetry" so bear with me.
It's late afternoon by the river
on the first day of fall
each animal is busy playing its part
the dragonflies glide gracefully
bringing light and joy into my heavy heart
the squirrel on top of that tall tree behind me
is preparing a comfortable nest
and the spider to my right, where has he gone?
is he extending his web?
below the surface, the fish are ready to jump upstream
six feet, I saw one jump
the man on the boat speeds by and disturbs the peace
the dock starts rocking, the water curls and waves
to quickly return to its flat, reflective surface
peace returns
peace returns to my heart as well.
the tranquility of the water,
the constant hum of the forest and its inhabitants
and the reflection of the skies on the river
spent a week teaching me that I belong here;
that there is space for me;
that I have a role to play.
The Edisto River taught me unconditional love.
my heart is full;
this summer was about love after all.
This morning, I read the perfect description of what my moment of bliss had been in the words of J. Krishnamurti as part of his meditations:
And as the slight breeze came from the hills, stirring
the leaves, the stillness, this extraordinary quality of
silence was not disturbed. The house was between
the hills and the sea, overlooking the sea. And as you
watched the sea, so very still, you really became part
of everything. You were everything. You were the
light, and the beauty of love. Again, to say “you were a
part of everything” is also wrong: the word “you” is
not adequate, because you really weren't there. You
didn't exist. There was only that stillness, the beauty,
the extraordinary sense of love.
Last spring, I had set the intention to meet the love of my life this summer. Packaged in a form I didn’t expect, love came into my life with a sense of belongingness that I had been looking for all my life on the last day of summer.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
The Portraits
Back from my trip of faith in Israel, Jordan and Egypt, life seems slightly duller. What I enjoy the most about travelling or living abroad is the excitement of feeling disoriented, being a foreigner and waking up every morning not knowing what to expect of the day ahead. So to accommodate being back in Switzerland “for good”, to the best of my ability and creativity, I’ve been recalling that feeling of the unknown and the unexpected each morning. Sometimes, when we make believe, it actually becomes real.
In my bed, I start my day by syking myself up at thought that I will meet new people, I will see loads of people foreign to me, I will have coffee on a terrace and unexpected things will happen.
“You get what you ask for,” they say. I’ve met new people from very different backgrounds at the entrepreneurship class I’m taking. On the train, the bus and subway, I see so many unfamiliar faces. I meet up friends on terraces. And the most unexpected things have just been happening…
Like just right now. I’m sitting on the train on my way back from an amazing concert. It’s around midnight. I glance out the window and I see a guy wearing a fluorescent orange vest running on the street, followed by a car with flashing lights and a camping bus covered with advertising. Someone on the train says, “It’s that Italian guy who runs.”
This kind of random things. Did these things always happen in my life or did I just not notice them?
A couple of months ago, out of the blue, I had signed up to get my portrait painted. My mom had come across a flyer from some artist looking for models. The primary reason I volunteered was because it was free and second because I thought I’d be cool to see myself in a painting. La Joconde might have come to mind. Last Tuesday was the day. I showed up completely unprepared for what was going to happen.
I got to a house in the country, I mean, in the couuuuuuuntry. I was greeted by a hearty, high-pitched voice woman and her cat. In the house, there were bright-colored portraits everywhere. She explained that she had set out to paint five hundred portraits and then she would hold an exhibition. About forty portraits into the projects, she realized that she was clairvoyant. She “saw" things about her models.
About five minutes after starting the first painting (she paints three per model), she announced that I was a spiritual person and that coaching was the right profession for me. (Good news!) In the second painting, she “saw” my struggle to materialize my project. (Right on.) In the third, she declared that I’d get married soon. (Looks like my love strategy might be working after all – see last post.) I am only giving you the cliff notes of the experience. She went into great detail. It was simply mind-blowing.
My strategy to make Switzerland more like how I want to see it - surprising and exciting - is a success! “You get what you ask for.” True that.
And today I read this:
“Whether we meet the world with a loving heart or not will determine what we find:
A stranger walking toward the gates of a new city. By the side of the road sat an old wise woman who hailed the traveler: “Welcome.”
“What kind of people are they who live here?” the traveler asked.
“How did you find them in the home city you left?” asked the old woman.
“They were gossips, mean-spirited, and often selfish. Difficult to get along with.”
“You’ll find the people of this city to be likewise.”
Later, a second stranger passed by and was welcomed by the old woman.
“What kind of people are they who live here?” the second traveler asked.
“How did you find them in the home city you left?” asked the old woman.
“They were fine people – industrious, open-minded, and easy to get along with.”
“You’ll find the people of this city to be likewise.”
- The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness and Peace by Jack Kornfield
In my bed, I start my day by syking myself up at thought that I will meet new people, I will see loads of people foreign to me, I will have coffee on a terrace and unexpected things will happen.
“You get what you ask for,” they say. I’ve met new people from very different backgrounds at the entrepreneurship class I’m taking. On the train, the bus and subway, I see so many unfamiliar faces. I meet up friends on terraces. And the most unexpected things have just been happening…
Like just right now. I’m sitting on the train on my way back from an amazing concert. It’s around midnight. I glance out the window and I see a guy wearing a fluorescent orange vest running on the street, followed by a car with flashing lights and a camping bus covered with advertising. Someone on the train says, “It’s that Italian guy who runs.”
This kind of random things. Did these things always happen in my life or did I just not notice them?
A couple of months ago, out of the blue, I had signed up to get my portrait painted. My mom had come across a flyer from some artist looking for models. The primary reason I volunteered was because it was free and second because I thought I’d be cool to see myself in a painting. La Joconde might have come to mind. Last Tuesday was the day. I showed up completely unprepared for what was going to happen.
I got to a house in the country, I mean, in the couuuuuuuntry. I was greeted by a hearty, high-pitched voice woman and her cat. In the house, there were bright-colored portraits everywhere. She explained that she had set out to paint five hundred portraits and then she would hold an exhibition. About forty portraits into the projects, she realized that she was clairvoyant. She “saw" things about her models.
About five minutes after starting the first painting (she paints three per model), she announced that I was a spiritual person and that coaching was the right profession for me. (Good news!) In the second painting, she “saw” my struggle to materialize my project. (Right on.) In the third, she declared that I’d get married soon. (Looks like my love strategy might be working after all – see last post.) I am only giving you the cliff notes of the experience. She went into great detail. It was simply mind-blowing.
My strategy to make Switzerland more like how I want to see it - surprising and exciting - is a success! “You get what you ask for.” True that.
And today I read this:
“Whether we meet the world with a loving heart or not will determine what we find:
A stranger walking toward the gates of a new city. By the side of the road sat an old wise woman who hailed the traveler: “Welcome.”
“What kind of people are they who live here?” the traveler asked.
“How did you find them in the home city you left?” asked the old woman.
“They were gossips, mean-spirited, and often selfish. Difficult to get along with.”
“You’ll find the people of this city to be likewise.”
Later, a second stranger passed by and was welcomed by the old woman.
“What kind of people are they who live here?” the second traveler asked.
“How did you find them in the home city you left?” asked the old woman.
“They were fine people – industrious, open-minded, and easy to get along with.”
“You’ll find the people of this city to be likewise.”
- The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness and Peace by Jack Kornfield
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Great Love, Ass Wound and Judaism
It felt as if the day of my trip to Israel had snuck up on me. I had not prepared a thing. I had planned to get to the bookstore to buy a guidebook since I had purchased my plane tickets without ever making it to the store. On the plane, sitting amongst funny people with black outfits and swirly hair locks, I decided to leave this trip to fate and to Franz.
I had a funny feeling about this whole vacation because it was just too weird how my friend Franz had called two days after I had “manifested” my ideal boyfriend. Let me explain the whole manifestation idea.
After my life coach had asked me if I had a strategy to get into a relationship and I had given her a blank stare, I had conducted a thorough investigation amongst friends and professionals where I discovered that several strategies existed. Suddenly finding my soul mate became top priority. I therefore proceeded to put into action the different techniques and strategies to make the right guy appear in my life.
According to one friend, the “secret” was the way to go. The secret consists in getting a fresh rose and placing it on my night table and stating morning and night: “I welcome love in my life and I am ready for love.”
The second strategy involves setting up an “altar to Love” in my bedroom. According to Feng-shui, it needs to be in the right hand-side corner opposite to the door when you walk in.
My coaching teacher as well as a New Age book advised to write down the qualities and values of Mr. Right on paper in order to attract the right guy.
Marianne Williamson’s book that I am currently reading offers an excellent prayer to attract Great Love.
Finally, my angel cards told me to wear rose quartz.
Committed to the plan, I said my prayer religiously, applied the secret, built an altar, wrote 3 pages of how Mr. Right should be and I got myself not only rose quartz, but a heart-shaped rose quartz necklace to wear at all times.
Like I said, it was only two days after I had started this whole project that Franz had called me out of the blue. I had quickly checked my list of criteria and sure enough, he met a good portion of them. So in addition to the motivation of seeing the pyramids and Petra, I had that hunch that I needed to get myself to Israel ASAP and check out what Franz was up to.
I arrived in Tel Aviv at around 2 a.m. about a week ago and - no sight of Franz. I had waited about half and hour when an exuberant girl from L.A. and a nonchalant Israeli spotted me and explained that they had come to pick me up. As it turned out Franz had a terrible pain in the butt and couldn’t make it to the airport. Two days later, I was taking him to the E.R. to get emergency surgery.
While mending his ass wound, it became clear that Franz had been called into my life for me to learn about religion. So instead of finding Great Love in Israel, I found out about Judaism.
Franz being out of commission, I spent three days of intense sight seeing with a couple of Americans in Israel – one on a religious path and the other on a military vacation. Like Jesus, but by car, we roamed around the country visiting holy cities, meeting rabbis, kabala artists and healers. We sang, prayed and performed the Shabbat rituals. We ran into a 98 year-old street singer and danced the hora around him. We met an Auschwitz survivor. We got our fortune told by a Jewish Yemenite organic pizza maker. We said our prayers at the opening of Shabbat at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem (after passing through metal detectors).
Ever since I got here, I have been in a constant state of awe and disbelief that I am actually living these amazing experiences totally unrelated to getting into a relationship (or starting my own business for that matter); yet so relevant with the way my life has unraveled since the beginning of 2009. As the Yemenite mystic read into my eyes, I am slowly letting go of material things and making my way down the spiritual path.
The moral of this story is: Although my soul mate has yet to manifest himself, I’m having one hell of a trip.
Next on the agenda, the Pyramids. Or so I think.
I had a funny feeling about this whole vacation because it was just too weird how my friend Franz had called two days after I had “manifested” my ideal boyfriend. Let me explain the whole manifestation idea.
After my life coach had asked me if I had a strategy to get into a relationship and I had given her a blank stare, I had conducted a thorough investigation amongst friends and professionals where I discovered that several strategies existed. Suddenly finding my soul mate became top priority. I therefore proceeded to put into action the different techniques and strategies to make the right guy appear in my life.
According to one friend, the “secret” was the way to go. The secret consists in getting a fresh rose and placing it on my night table and stating morning and night: “I welcome love in my life and I am ready for love.”
The second strategy involves setting up an “altar to Love” in my bedroom. According to Feng-shui, it needs to be in the right hand-side corner opposite to the door when you walk in.
My coaching teacher as well as a New Age book advised to write down the qualities and values of Mr. Right on paper in order to attract the right guy.
Marianne Williamson’s book that I am currently reading offers an excellent prayer to attract Great Love.
Finally, my angel cards told me to wear rose quartz.
Committed to the plan, I said my prayer religiously, applied the secret, built an altar, wrote 3 pages of how Mr. Right should be and I got myself not only rose quartz, but a heart-shaped rose quartz necklace to wear at all times.
Like I said, it was only two days after I had started this whole project that Franz had called me out of the blue. I had quickly checked my list of criteria and sure enough, he met a good portion of them. So in addition to the motivation of seeing the pyramids and Petra, I had that hunch that I needed to get myself to Israel ASAP and check out what Franz was up to.
I arrived in Tel Aviv at around 2 a.m. about a week ago and - no sight of Franz. I had waited about half and hour when an exuberant girl from L.A. and a nonchalant Israeli spotted me and explained that they had come to pick me up. As it turned out Franz had a terrible pain in the butt and couldn’t make it to the airport. Two days later, I was taking him to the E.R. to get emergency surgery.
While mending his ass wound, it became clear that Franz had been called into my life for me to learn about religion. So instead of finding Great Love in Israel, I found out about Judaism.
Franz being out of commission, I spent three days of intense sight seeing with a couple of Americans in Israel – one on a religious path and the other on a military vacation. Like Jesus, but by car, we roamed around the country visiting holy cities, meeting rabbis, kabala artists and healers. We sang, prayed and performed the Shabbat rituals. We ran into a 98 year-old street singer and danced the hora around him. We met an Auschwitz survivor. We got our fortune told by a Jewish Yemenite organic pizza maker. We said our prayers at the opening of Shabbat at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem (after passing through metal detectors).
Ever since I got here, I have been in a constant state of awe and disbelief that I am actually living these amazing experiences totally unrelated to getting into a relationship (or starting my own business for that matter); yet so relevant with the way my life has unraveled since the beginning of 2009. As the Yemenite mystic read into my eyes, I am slowly letting go of material things and making my way down the spiritual path.
The moral of this story is: Although my soul mate has yet to manifest himself, I’m having one hell of a trip.
Next on the agenda, the Pyramids. Or so I think.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
yep, pyramid it is.
In the end, the decision really wasn't that hard to make. I'm going on vacation. Next Monday. For two and a half weeks.
Things just come up sometimes and it's best not too think too rationally. I would have missed out on seeing Tel Aviv, the Dead See, Jerusalem, Petra and the pyramids - and my good friend the private eye – had I focused on the financials and my business-to-be.
For those who have not been able to follow, I am starting my own business. (As Philippe would say : “did I miss a step? oh yeah, of course I missed a step – I’m talking to Patricia.”) I went through many phases since I moved back to Switzerland before finally settling for starting my own business: Get a job; start my own business; get a job; get a part-time job; start my own business; get a job; get a job for sure; start my own business.
Starting my own business didn't feel quite right until I reviewed my resume to look for a job. I showed it to someone and that person said: "you're all about sports." It's true, my entire professional career has been about sport. I got a college scholarship through basketball. I played professional basketball. I worked for a fitness equipment company. I had my own basketball player management agency. I worked for an athletic footwear company. So it hit me: I can start a coaching business about what I know best. I show athletes how to carry over what they learned in sport to the “real” life and how to have a life while playing sport. That's the two aspects of sport that have had a strong impact in my life and that I feel passionate about.
When I was playing basketball, I struggled with the lack of balance in my life. I devoted so much time to sport that I left my personal development for later. I also focused so hard on performing that, many times, I forgot that playing basketball was first and foremost a game.
Once I retired (I love that word - it sounds so serious), I felt lost. I realized that my circle of friends revolved around basketball and that once I left, I didn’t feel like I belonged anymore. I lost my identity. I had always been Patricia the basketball player and suddenly becoming just Patricia felt odd. I quickly replaced "the basketball player" by "the director of communication". I devoted as much time to my professional career that I had to my athletic career, leaving personal development and other important aspects of life, once again, for later.
It is only about eight months ago that I started to re-evaluate the importance of family, relationships, social life, personal development, spirituality, finance and health and to put them in the center of the picture where they belong.
It was a long and slow process to get to a feeling of balance, and a lot of letting go. First I was let go by someone I had loved and stuck with for many years. Then I let go of the job. Breaking these two emotional ties somehow set me free and things began to fall into place.
It was like an gigantic shift had happened. I suddenly realized I wasn’t lonely anymore: I had so many dear friends that were there for me in Boston, in Charleston, in Miami and in Switzerland. I became aware of how much my family mattered and how much I missed them. I got the money I needed to accomplish my projects. I went on a spiritual path and healed. I found faith along the way and got to appreciate that life is so much easier when we follow our heart and let it guide us. I finally had time to read all the books I had been dying to read. I got to travel and meet amazing people. I got a solid education in coaching and a fresh chance at starting in a new direction.
Taking another vacation sounds like a big joke considering that I’ve been on “vacation” for so many months. It really is and I’m sitting here laughing because I’m so damn happy. Life is good.
Life is good.
Things just come up sometimes and it's best not too think too rationally. I would have missed out on seeing Tel Aviv, the Dead See, Jerusalem, Petra and the pyramids - and my good friend the private eye – had I focused on the financials and my business-to-be.
For those who have not been able to follow, I am starting my own business. (As Philippe would say : “did I miss a step? oh yeah, of course I missed a step – I’m talking to Patricia.”) I went through many phases since I moved back to Switzerland before finally settling for starting my own business: Get a job; start my own business; get a job; get a part-time job; start my own business; get a job; get a job for sure; start my own business.
Starting my own business didn't feel quite right until I reviewed my resume to look for a job. I showed it to someone and that person said: "you're all about sports." It's true, my entire professional career has been about sport. I got a college scholarship through basketball. I played professional basketball. I worked for a fitness equipment company. I had my own basketball player management agency. I worked for an athletic footwear company. So it hit me: I can start a coaching business about what I know best. I show athletes how to carry over what they learned in sport to the “real” life and how to have a life while playing sport. That's the two aspects of sport that have had a strong impact in my life and that I feel passionate about.
When I was playing basketball, I struggled with the lack of balance in my life. I devoted so much time to sport that I left my personal development for later. I also focused so hard on performing that, many times, I forgot that playing basketball was first and foremost a game.
Once I retired (I love that word - it sounds so serious), I felt lost. I realized that my circle of friends revolved around basketball and that once I left, I didn’t feel like I belonged anymore. I lost my identity. I had always been Patricia the basketball player and suddenly becoming just Patricia felt odd. I quickly replaced "the basketball player" by "the director of communication". I devoted as much time to my professional career that I had to my athletic career, leaving personal development and other important aspects of life, once again, for later.
It is only about eight months ago that I started to re-evaluate the importance of family, relationships, social life, personal development, spirituality, finance and health and to put them in the center of the picture where they belong.
It was a long and slow process to get to a feeling of balance, and a lot of letting go. First I was let go by someone I had loved and stuck with for many years. Then I let go of the job. Breaking these two emotional ties somehow set me free and things began to fall into place.
It was like an gigantic shift had happened. I suddenly realized I wasn’t lonely anymore: I had so many dear friends that were there for me in Boston, in Charleston, in Miami and in Switzerland. I became aware of how much my family mattered and how much I missed them. I got the money I needed to accomplish my projects. I went on a spiritual path and healed. I found faith along the way and got to appreciate that life is so much easier when we follow our heart and let it guide us. I finally had time to read all the books I had been dying to read. I got to travel and meet amazing people. I got a solid education in coaching and a fresh chance at starting in a new direction.
Taking another vacation sounds like a big joke considering that I’ve been on “vacation” for so many months. It really is and I’m sitting here laughing because I’m so damn happy. Life is good.
Life is good.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Pause
It’s been a while since I sat down and wrote. This morning, I drew one of my angel cards and it said “Pause – you’ve been doing too much lately and you need to slow down.” I got annoyed.
How can I pause? I’ve taken it easy ever since I moved back to Switzerland. The pace here is already slower and on top of that, I’ve been taking it one day at a time accomplishing each day maybe one task off of my long to-do list. And one task is on a good day.
But then a little voice inside my head said “look closer at what you’ve done” and suddently it hit me: Bumble bee has been in full action. Who am I kidding?
If I summarize my life since I last wrote, which was on February 11th – brace yourself – I’ve moved along. A few days after that last post, I was back in Miami. I stayed there a month. Just enough time to get a bunch of degrees in coaching: life coaching, business coaching, weight loss coaching and social emotional intelligence coaching. I also was attuned to Reiki, which basically enables me to open a practice should I choose to. I spent some time with my friends there and hopped on the plane back to Switzerland.
I stayed there a few days and flew with a friend to Lisbon for a long weekend. It was not quite your relaxing weekend. We visited the city from morning to night and both my friend and I were going to some transition time, so we spent a lot of time talking or in deep thought.
I came home from Lisbon in awe from that city. I loved the way it stayed authentic, almost untouched by major hotel, restaurant and shopping chains. Life there seemed modest and simple. Besides the awe, I was also in a state of panic. What next? Where do I start? Job? Apartment? New business? What did I get myself into?
That’s when I got the “Pause” card for the first time. Now I get it periodically or other similar cards such as “Retreat” and “Slow down”. I do get the message. I do. Now, how do I do that?
It seems that no matter what I get myself into, I end up spinning myself in circle until I and everyone around me gets dizzy. I clearly saw that look of dizziness when I told my mom this morning that I was thinking about visiting my friend in Israel…
And then I pulled that “Pause” card. But my friend talked about going to Petra, Jordan to see the temple from Indiana Jones and to Egypt to see the pyramids! How often do you get an opportunity like that? I always wanted to see the pyramids!
Did I misunderstand the card "Pause"? Should I pause the set-up of my business and check out the pyramids instead? ...
How can I pause? I’ve taken it easy ever since I moved back to Switzerland. The pace here is already slower and on top of that, I’ve been taking it one day at a time accomplishing each day maybe one task off of my long to-do list. And one task is on a good day.
But then a little voice inside my head said “look closer at what you’ve done” and suddently it hit me: Bumble bee has been in full action. Who am I kidding?
If I summarize my life since I last wrote, which was on February 11th – brace yourself – I’ve moved along. A few days after that last post, I was back in Miami. I stayed there a month. Just enough time to get a bunch of degrees in coaching: life coaching, business coaching, weight loss coaching and social emotional intelligence coaching. I also was attuned to Reiki, which basically enables me to open a practice should I choose to. I spent some time with my friends there and hopped on the plane back to Switzerland.
I stayed there a few days and flew with a friend to Lisbon for a long weekend. It was not quite your relaxing weekend. We visited the city from morning to night and both my friend and I were going to some transition time, so we spent a lot of time talking or in deep thought.
I came home from Lisbon in awe from that city. I loved the way it stayed authentic, almost untouched by major hotel, restaurant and shopping chains. Life there seemed modest and simple. Besides the awe, I was also in a state of panic. What next? Where do I start? Job? Apartment? New business? What did I get myself into?
That’s when I got the “Pause” card for the first time. Now I get it periodically or other similar cards such as “Retreat” and “Slow down”. I do get the message. I do. Now, how do I do that?
It seems that no matter what I get myself into, I end up spinning myself in circle until I and everyone around me gets dizzy. I clearly saw that look of dizziness when I told my mom this morning that I was thinking about visiting my friend in Israel…
And then I pulled that “Pause” card. But my friend talked about going to Petra, Jordan to see the temple from Indiana Jones and to Egypt to see the pyramids! How often do you get an opportunity like that? I always wanted to see the pyramids!
Did I misunderstand the card "Pause"? Should I pause the set-up of my business and check out the pyramids instead? ...
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Resident of Planet Earth
“Oh you live in Switzerland! What a beautiful country!” That’s the usual comment I get when I say I’m Swiss from pretty much anybody in the world. What these people don’t know is that in Switzerland lives a fairly large amount of crabby people, especially in the Swiss administration. Nice people, but crabby. It takes some serious perseverence to get through that crust of crabbiness and get, say, hum, a smile.
When I set foot in Switzerland, I had clearly intended on making this experience a positive one. I have so many memories of coming back from the U.S. and feeling completely shrunk and trapped. It usually took to see the customs officer square face and to hear his Swiss accent to bring me down.
This time felt different. My parents were waiting and there wasn’t that weight of the expectation that I had finally come home for good. Over time, everyone around me has learnt not too say “for good.” That’s just very unrealistic.
We grabbed lunch at a smoking restaurant (always a shock) and visited grandma on the way home. She was happy to hear that I was coming home “for good” and quickly corrected herself with a smile.
At home, to my surprise, my parents had anticipated that it would be difficult to be back and had entirely remodeled my old room. They made the walls bright yellow and orange and installed a sink and mirror so that I would have somewhat of independence. I felt immediately at home.
The following morning I proceeded to take a quick shower and… completely usde up the hot water supply for the day. There might need some readjusting to do from both sides.
I called the town hall to see what documents I needed to bring in order to register with the authorities, then walked there. The clerk is notoriously grumpy, so I wore my biggest smile and best intentions. But nothing gets through the grumpiness of that man. Not even, “how is your daughter” whom I know since I was little. (All I know of his daughter now is that she is “just fine.”) I was sent home and asked to come back when I had all my documents ready. So much for calling ahead.
So right now, I’m a resident of nowhere or an alien as the Americans would say. I like that! Wouldn’t it be nice to live without a passport? Without boundaries? Simply be a resident of planet Earth.
When I set foot in Switzerland, I had clearly intended on making this experience a positive one. I have so many memories of coming back from the U.S. and feeling completely shrunk and trapped. It usually took to see the customs officer square face and to hear his Swiss accent to bring me down.
This time felt different. My parents were waiting and there wasn’t that weight of the expectation that I had finally come home for good. Over time, everyone around me has learnt not too say “for good.” That’s just very unrealistic.
We grabbed lunch at a smoking restaurant (always a shock) and visited grandma on the way home. She was happy to hear that I was coming home “for good” and quickly corrected herself with a smile.
At home, to my surprise, my parents had anticipated that it would be difficult to be back and had entirely remodeled my old room. They made the walls bright yellow and orange and installed a sink and mirror so that I would have somewhat of independence. I felt immediately at home.
The following morning I proceeded to take a quick shower and… completely usde up the hot water supply for the day. There might need some readjusting to do from both sides.
I called the town hall to see what documents I needed to bring in order to register with the authorities, then walked there. The clerk is notoriously grumpy, so I wore my biggest smile and best intentions. But nothing gets through the grumpiness of that man. Not even, “how is your daughter” whom I know since I was little. (All I know of his daughter now is that she is “just fine.”) I was sent home and asked to come back when I had all my documents ready. So much for calling ahead.
So right now, I’m a resident of nowhere or an alien as the Americans would say. I like that! Wouldn’t it be nice to live without a passport? Without boundaries? Simply be a resident of planet Earth.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Transition Flight
As I sit on the plane that is taking me back to Switzerland, concluding my Bostonian experience, I reflect on the transformation that I have gone through over the past couple of months. You joke that I keep it moving and that it’s hard to keep up with me. I just like to keep you on your toes. Maybe some think that I am half crazy and unstable, but in your eyes, sometimes, I detect a tiny little spark of envy!
Friends recently told me that they would love to spend a day in my shoes – that it would be a memorable experience. That was after I told them that before moving out of Bay Street, I had bought a “moving kit“ from U-Haul and the kit was so big that I had to put it on the back seat of my Mini Cooper and drive home with the top down by freezing cold weather, acting like everything was normal while stuck in traffic. This incident actually sums up my life pretty well: not so logical, not always comfortable, slightly absurd but always adventurous!
My point is, I’ve gone through a lot of illogical and silly phases to the eyes of many, but really everything pretty much came on time and in an order that, at times, made a lot of sense to me. It began many months ago when I just couldn’t take my job any longer, when Boston didn’t feel like the place to be anymore, when a long-time relationship abruptly ended and when I was feeling pain in my abdomen again. It was time for a drastic change.
But when you decide that everything you are currently doing is not in line with your beliefs any longer, it’s hard to figure out where to start. So, there were trials and errors.
One thing that I learned in Sedona was that it is pointless to try to “figure things out”. No good. You gotta “feel things out.” That’s the key to making the right decisions. So here it is guys: I’m moving back to Switzerland because it’s what feels right, right now.
In terms of jobs, I have absolutely no idea what I’ll be doing and where. We shall see what comes my way. I already received leads for opportunities from some of you and I’m very thankful for that. Keep them coming! ;)
I want to go back to school I told you. That, I still want to do. But guess what? I changed my mind on the subject… After reading many, many, maaaaaaaaaany books, I feel like the environment is a calling. There is so much to do to save our planet. But I also read mind-blowing books about spirituality, sociology, business, meditation, sustainable business, etc. I feel that there is a need to look at the environment and the way we interact with it in a more holistic manner.
I didn’t think there existed such a Master somewhere until Silke came across a program offered by JFK University called “Integral Study.” It’s the study of pretty much everything I’m interested in that prepares you for a new approach on either politics, health, religion or business. So that’s the next step, prepare myself for politics. Unless… I have a change of mind!
In the short term, I have no plans for what I will be doing. The only thing I know is that my parents are picking me up in a few hours at the airport in Geneva. I like that plan. It’s been a while since I was picked up at the airport in Switzerland. It’s a nice feeling of coming home.
Friends recently told me that they would love to spend a day in my shoes – that it would be a memorable experience. That was after I told them that before moving out of Bay Street, I had bought a “moving kit“ from U-Haul and the kit was so big that I had to put it on the back seat of my Mini Cooper and drive home with the top down by freezing cold weather, acting like everything was normal while stuck in traffic. This incident actually sums up my life pretty well: not so logical, not always comfortable, slightly absurd but always adventurous!
My point is, I’ve gone through a lot of illogical and silly phases to the eyes of many, but really everything pretty much came on time and in an order that, at times, made a lot of sense to me. It began many months ago when I just couldn’t take my job any longer, when Boston didn’t feel like the place to be anymore, when a long-time relationship abruptly ended and when I was feeling pain in my abdomen again. It was time for a drastic change.
But when you decide that everything you are currently doing is not in line with your beliefs any longer, it’s hard to figure out where to start. So, there were trials and errors.
One thing that I learned in Sedona was that it is pointless to try to “figure things out”. No good. You gotta “feel things out.” That’s the key to making the right decisions. So here it is guys: I’m moving back to Switzerland because it’s what feels right, right now.
In terms of jobs, I have absolutely no idea what I’ll be doing and where. We shall see what comes my way. I already received leads for opportunities from some of you and I’m very thankful for that. Keep them coming! ;)
I want to go back to school I told you. That, I still want to do. But guess what? I changed my mind on the subject… After reading many, many, maaaaaaaaaany books, I feel like the environment is a calling. There is so much to do to save our planet. But I also read mind-blowing books about spirituality, sociology, business, meditation, sustainable business, etc. I feel that there is a need to look at the environment and the way we interact with it in a more holistic manner.
I didn’t think there existed such a Master somewhere until Silke came across a program offered by JFK University called “Integral Study.” It’s the study of pretty much everything I’m interested in that prepares you for a new approach on either politics, health, religion or business. So that’s the next step, prepare myself for politics. Unless… I have a change of mind!
In the short term, I have no plans for what I will be doing. The only thing I know is that my parents are picking me up in a few hours at the airport in Geneva. I like that plan. It’s been a while since I was picked up at the airport in Switzerland. It’s a nice feeling of coming home.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
I think I have a new friend.
A few months ago, I ratted on Balloon-lady to the landlord for leaving her dirty underwear in the laundry room. Today, I left her a note to let her know that I'll be out of town until next week. Just so that she doesn't worry. Is that weird?
I think I'm growing attached to my neighbor. She is becoming my friend in an odd, scary type of way.
I always know when she is home and when she leaves. We chit-chat when we see each other. Mostly about the weather, but we exchange a few words. I am careful to park my car out of her way. She parks her car out of my way.
My theory on it is that now that we both live on our own, we look out for each other. From our respective appartments keep each other company. Sorta. Our presence makes us feel safe and comfortable at home. That's a better way to put it.
What if she moved out? Would I miss her?
I think I'm growing attached to my neighbor. She is becoming my friend in an odd, scary type of way.
I always know when she is home and when she leaves. We chit-chat when we see each other. Mostly about the weather, but we exchange a few words. I am careful to park my car out of her way. She parks her car out of my way.
My theory on it is that now that we both live on our own, we look out for each other. From our respective appartments keep each other company. Sorta. Our presence makes us feel safe and comfortable at home. That's a better way to put it.
What if she moved out? Would I miss her?
Monday, March 31, 2008
There's no turning back
America might as well give me the blue passport right now. There is no turning back from Swiss Hero. I've been Americanized. I'm as American as can be. I bought myself a pair of loafers.
Not just loafers. Dr. Scholl's loafers. The brown leather clogs with the gel in the heel.
It all began last year when I moved to Boston and bought myself a pair of Ugg boots. I discovered comfort. Comfort for the feet. From that day on, style was no longer the numero uno requirement for an impulsive shoe purchase.
What really got me over the edge, though, were these two pairs of stoletto heel, pointy boots I bought this winter. You should see them. They look FAB-U-LOUS. Especially with jeans. And when I wear them, you should see me. Actually, you cannot miss me I'm the person who towers over everybody. Gives me that feeling that I'm a top model; that walk of confidence like I'm on the runway.
Gave me the worst foot pain of my life. I have a bunion. Yes, a bunion. I thought that only happened to old people. I was so above the bunion. But I haven't been able to wear another shoe apart from my Uggs or my new SpringBoost Spirit (available in select location on April 15th) for the past month. I cringe at the mere thought over wearing a pair of heels.
Then I was in Charleston and my friend Jermel busted out a pair of clogs. I could hardly believe he would have bought a pair. Jermel is always at the top of his game when it comes to fashion. He is black, he is good looking, he is a former basketball star at the College. Definitely not your typical clog-adept. His take on the loafers: "they are so comfortable."
Every since the Charleston weekend, I've been on the hunt for a pair of loafers. Yesterday I finally found one. I feel like the light has been turned on. Never again will I buy a pair of shoes that is not comfortable. This committment I make to my feet.
I got loafers. From now on, anything could happen. I could buy me a Cadillac, drink root beer, leave all lights on when going out, drive to the health club across the street, rub my hands with anti-bacterial soap every other minute. You just don't know.
Not just loafers. Dr. Scholl's loafers. The brown leather clogs with the gel in the heel.
It all began last year when I moved to Boston and bought myself a pair of Ugg boots. I discovered comfort. Comfort for the feet. From that day on, style was no longer the numero uno requirement for an impulsive shoe purchase.
What really got me over the edge, though, were these two pairs of stoletto heel, pointy boots I bought this winter. You should see them. They look FAB-U-LOUS. Especially with jeans. And when I wear them, you should see me. Actually, you cannot miss me I'm the person who towers over everybody. Gives me that feeling that I'm a top model; that walk of confidence like I'm on the runway.
Gave me the worst foot pain of my life. I have a bunion. Yes, a bunion. I thought that only happened to old people. I was so above the bunion. But I haven't been able to wear another shoe apart from my Uggs or my new SpringBoost Spirit (available in select location on April 15th) for the past month. I cringe at the mere thought over wearing a pair of heels.
Then I was in Charleston and my friend Jermel busted out a pair of clogs. I could hardly believe he would have bought a pair. Jermel is always at the top of his game when it comes to fashion. He is black, he is good looking, he is a former basketball star at the College. Definitely not your typical clog-adept. His take on the loafers: "they are so comfortable."
Every since the Charleston weekend, I've been on the hunt for a pair of loafers. Yesterday I finally found one. I feel like the light has been turned on. Never again will I buy a pair of shoes that is not comfortable. This committment I make to my feet.
I got loafers. From now on, anything could happen. I could buy me a Cadillac, drink root beer, leave all lights on when going out, drive to the health club across the street, rub my hands with anti-bacterial soap every other minute. You just don't know.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
bye bye dream finally come true
I'm done being pissed. It seemed that last week people worked hard to piss me off and all the crap from business politics boiled up to a steamming point resulting in an angry blog post.
Working in a start-up which is getting more and more competitive by the minute (considering that we pretty much are under the gun - the next product we launch needs to work or hasta la vista), people's aggressive behaviors and personal agendas are in full effect. These behaviors are particularly true with sales people. If you compare them to troops, they are the front line. They are the ones that get killed first, the ones that take the most risk and the ones that are the most aggressive (and stupid: why would you wanna be in the front line, when you can be much safer further back?). So in the midst of raging offensives (the launch of new products), they are hyped up and quick to snap. Quick to put the blame on other people. Quick to fire their guns.
In my case, I have to defend myself on a daily basis. They turn their guns on marketing any chance they get. They forget I'm the Air Force, I prepare the ground for them. They want me to be the Air Force, the Navy and the Army. I can never do enough. I am never good enough.
And why in the world did I chose war for the analogy????
Anyway. Where they really, I mean really rubbed my the wrong way, is when they left a message on Mr. Beautiful's voicemail to inform him that he was no longer invited to move to Boston.
A few weeks ago, everyone who didn't work out of the Boston office got let go. The reasoning behind it made sense in a way. We want to build a team and we need more people in the Boston office to work together for the success of the company. Sad perspective for the two guys that got left behind. Sad reality of the business world. The one I have not come to terms with.
Mr. Beautiful works out of Texas so he was next on the line, but it was decided that he was a valuable enough asset to the company and he was asked to move to Boston. He of course accepted, seeing the opportunity of the move for his career. (And to get closer to me, I'm hoping - I'll get back to that.)
This week, somehow, out of the blue, it seems like, they left him a message - a message on his voicemail!!! - to let him know that they had changed their minds. It would cost too much to move him. He'll do just fine out of Texas.
Here goes his confidence... How is that for job security?
When they asked him, I was so happy. Finally our chance. Finally we would be able to date and get a fresh start at a relationship.
We never even brought up the subject because there was this apprehension. On my end, I didn't want to jinx myself. Retrospectively, I was right to take it easy, but I must have jinxed myself nonetheless by just thinking about it.
Now I don't know. I try not think about it, about what will happen with us.
Next week, I'm going to Texas for a few days on a business trip. Will it also be our goodbyes?
Working in a start-up which is getting more and more competitive by the minute (considering that we pretty much are under the gun - the next product we launch needs to work or hasta la vista), people's aggressive behaviors and personal agendas are in full effect. These behaviors are particularly true with sales people. If you compare them to troops, they are the front line. They are the ones that get killed first, the ones that take the most risk and the ones that are the most aggressive (and stupid: why would you wanna be in the front line, when you can be much safer further back?). So in the midst of raging offensives (the launch of new products), they are hyped up and quick to snap. Quick to put the blame on other people. Quick to fire their guns.
In my case, I have to defend myself on a daily basis. They turn their guns on marketing any chance they get. They forget I'm the Air Force, I prepare the ground for them. They want me to be the Air Force, the Navy and the Army. I can never do enough. I am never good enough.
And why in the world did I chose war for the analogy????
Anyway. Where they really, I mean really rubbed my the wrong way, is when they left a message on Mr. Beautiful's voicemail to inform him that he was no longer invited to move to Boston.
A few weeks ago, everyone who didn't work out of the Boston office got let go. The reasoning behind it made sense in a way. We want to build a team and we need more people in the Boston office to work together for the success of the company. Sad perspective for the two guys that got left behind. Sad reality of the business world. The one I have not come to terms with.
Mr. Beautiful works out of Texas so he was next on the line, but it was decided that he was a valuable enough asset to the company and he was asked to move to Boston. He of course accepted, seeing the opportunity of the move for his career. (And to get closer to me, I'm hoping - I'll get back to that.)
This week, somehow, out of the blue, it seems like, they left him a message - a message on his voicemail!!! - to let him know that they had changed their minds. It would cost too much to move him. He'll do just fine out of Texas.
Here goes his confidence... How is that for job security?
When they asked him, I was so happy. Finally our chance. Finally we would be able to date and get a fresh start at a relationship.
We never even brought up the subject because there was this apprehension. On my end, I didn't want to jinx myself. Retrospectively, I was right to take it easy, but I must have jinxed myself nonetheless by just thinking about it.
Now I don't know. I try not think about it, about what will happen with us.
Next week, I'm going to Texas for a few days on a business trip. Will it also be our goodbyes?
Thursday, March 27, 2008
I'm pissed
oh yeah. I'm pissed. I'm sooooooooo pissed.
I'm pissed at people who have no balls and who try to run companies listening to everybody, changing their minds according to whom they are talking to or to their moods, screwing you over while telling you "you're doing a great job."
I'm pissed at people who think the grass is greener on the other side and are ready to fire left and right; convinced they'll find better employees; who think competitor's marketing is sooooo much better than ours; who think our client did such a better job at communicating our brand than we did.
I'm pissed at bitches who think they are so much better than the rest of us mortal women.
I'm pissed that it is so hard for me to stand up to these people who think they are so superior to others. How it's so challenging to tell them to fuck off and mind their own goddamn business. Shut the fuck up and sell some shoes. Mind your own fucking business and see you when you sell shoes and my marketing help you get more commission so that you can make more and more money when I have to fight to get a freakin penny raise.
And fuck my boss for wanting to hire a fucking Chief Marketing Officer when I've been busting my ass for four years trying to get our marketing going. When I've been making shit happen.
But what am I thinking, we need a MAN. A man with yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaars of experience. The fact that I know the company, the technology, the product, the consumer inside out - who cares, right?
Fuck hormones. Fuck endometriosis. How do you get rid of that shit?
Fuck the agency who tried to screw my friend over, giving her the harsh treatment because of who she is married to. They deserved you going loose cannon on them. Go girl. Tell them.
Fuck the guy who had my friend fired because she is a strong opinionated woman and he couldn't deal with it. Turned out to be a wrong move because after she files a complaint, he got canned. Fuck him. Go girl.
Fuck my girl for not taking the opportunity and running with my money. I know where you live.
Fuck the Taliban for prohibiting women from stepping out of their homes. I know I'm a little late with that but I'm reading A Thousand Spendid Suns. (Do read A Thousand Spendid Suns)
Thank God for people like Greg Mortenson. He builds schools for for girls in remote Pakistan and Afghanistan. (Do read Three Cups of Tea and Do donate money for his foundation).
Thank God for Obama. May he win and make some changes. Man, your speech on racism made me feel all fusy inside. It was the most amazing speech I ever heard. It had to be said. It couldn't have been said better.
Now... do I click on publish or delete? Fuck it, I'm gonna publish. You let me know if next time I feel like going off, I should just delete and try again later.
Let me tell you this though. I feel better.
I'm pissed at people who have no balls and who try to run companies listening to everybody, changing their minds according to whom they are talking to or to their moods, screwing you over while telling you "you're doing a great job."
I'm pissed at people who think the grass is greener on the other side and are ready to fire left and right; convinced they'll find better employees; who think competitor's marketing is sooooo much better than ours; who think our client did such a better job at communicating our brand than we did.
I'm pissed at bitches who think they are so much better than the rest of us mortal women.
I'm pissed that it is so hard for me to stand up to these people who think they are so superior to others. How it's so challenging to tell them to fuck off and mind their own goddamn business. Shut the fuck up and sell some shoes. Mind your own fucking business and see you when you sell shoes and my marketing help you get more commission so that you can make more and more money when I have to fight to get a freakin penny raise.
And fuck my boss for wanting to hire a fucking Chief Marketing Officer when I've been busting my ass for four years trying to get our marketing going. When I've been making shit happen.
But what am I thinking, we need a MAN. A man with yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaars of experience. The fact that I know the company, the technology, the product, the consumer inside out - who cares, right?
Fuck hormones. Fuck endometriosis. How do you get rid of that shit?
Fuck the agency who tried to screw my friend over, giving her the harsh treatment because of who she is married to. They deserved you going loose cannon on them. Go girl. Tell them.
Fuck the guy who had my friend fired because she is a strong opinionated woman and he couldn't deal with it. Turned out to be a wrong move because after she files a complaint, he got canned. Fuck him. Go girl.
Fuck my girl for not taking the opportunity and running with my money. I know where you live.
Fuck the Taliban for prohibiting women from stepping out of their homes. I know I'm a little late with that but I'm reading A Thousand Spendid Suns. (Do read A Thousand Spendid Suns)
Thank God for people like Greg Mortenson. He builds schools for for girls in remote Pakistan and Afghanistan. (Do read Three Cups of Tea and Do donate money for his foundation).
Thank God for Obama. May he win and make some changes. Man, your speech on racism made me feel all fusy inside. It was the most amazing speech I ever heard. It had to be said. It couldn't have been said better.
Now... do I click on publish or delete? Fuck it, I'm gonna publish. You let me know if next time I feel like going off, I should just delete and try again later.
Let me tell you this though. I feel better.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
what next?
Last weekend, I was in Charleston to celebrate my 32nd birthday. I went to Charleston because I still have a few of my college close friends there and because I could really use some sun.
I was expecting to go out and party this birthday away. Not that I really felt like partying, but that's what me and my girls do. Our motto in college was "you can't sleep your life away." The perfect excuse to go out until the crack-a-dawn.
And we did go out the first night. Until about 10pm... and then we called it a night.
The next night, we went to an early dinner, a college basketball game for old time's sake and then... hem, went back to the house. We laughed at each other for being such grandmas, but we were just happy to be together.
The exciting activity of the night was our tarot card reading.
The cards got us talking. The theme card was "dormant", all of us. We are all going through a time of not-much-going-on. A time of reflection. A time that seems so boring sometimes.
Maybe that's how the thirties feel?
After the wild times of the twenties, life slows down and our perception and expectations change. It's probably different if you have a family, but for us single women or childless married women, life slows to a near halt, giving us plenty of time to think and assess.
We feel "dormant" because we have that stability that we didn't have in our twenties: good jobs, houses (not me but they do), a car. We live comfortable lives without the constant money worry. Life has its routine feel. On the other hand, we don't have that urge to go out every weekend. We are not as passionate about whatever activity it was that we were so passionate about. In our cases, it was basketball. Our lives revolved around it. It dicated our every action: when to eat, when to sleep, when to go out, etc. It was what we knew, what go us going.
Now, with so much time on our hands, we find ourselves a bit lost.
It's nothing to freak out about, but we must ask ourselves: what next?
The next evening was my birthday night. We had big plans: go out! But first we stopped by an old friend's house, still wearing our jeans and T's. We talked the evening away, so since it was late, we ended up going out to dinner straight from his house - still in our jeans and T's. We had a nice, slow dinner in a fancy Southern cuisine restaurant. Then we headed back to our friend's house and they made me decide what I wanted to do for my birthday. I didn't have any desire to go out whatsoever, but I thought they did. So I felt really bad for suggesting to go home. When I saw my friend's relieved faces, I understood that the expectation wasn't to go shake our tail feathers...
So I'm 32. I'm where I want to be. I'm in the U.S. I have a good paying, interesting job. I have a nice apartment. I have a cute red mini cooper. I travel left and right whenever I feel like it. I go to my yoga classes. I play basketball once week. I'm sorta healthy. Life's good. I worked so hard for all of that. I'm where I wanna be.
But what next?
I was expecting to go out and party this birthday away. Not that I really felt like partying, but that's what me and my girls do. Our motto in college was "you can't sleep your life away." The perfect excuse to go out until the crack-a-dawn.
And we did go out the first night. Until about 10pm... and then we called it a night.
The next night, we went to an early dinner, a college basketball game for old time's sake and then... hem, went back to the house. We laughed at each other for being such grandmas, but we were just happy to be together.
The exciting activity of the night was our tarot card reading.
The cards got us talking. The theme card was "dormant", all of us. We are all going through a time of not-much-going-on. A time of reflection. A time that seems so boring sometimes.
Maybe that's how the thirties feel?
After the wild times of the twenties, life slows down and our perception and expectations change. It's probably different if you have a family, but for us single women or childless married women, life slows to a near halt, giving us plenty of time to think and assess.
We feel "dormant" because we have that stability that we didn't have in our twenties: good jobs, houses (not me but they do), a car. We live comfortable lives without the constant money worry. Life has its routine feel. On the other hand, we don't have that urge to go out every weekend. We are not as passionate about whatever activity it was that we were so passionate about. In our cases, it was basketball. Our lives revolved around it. It dicated our every action: when to eat, when to sleep, when to go out, etc. It was what we knew, what go us going.
Now, with so much time on our hands, we find ourselves a bit lost.
It's nothing to freak out about, but we must ask ourselves: what next?
The next evening was my birthday night. We had big plans: go out! But first we stopped by an old friend's house, still wearing our jeans and T's. We talked the evening away, so since it was late, we ended up going out to dinner straight from his house - still in our jeans and T's. We had a nice, slow dinner in a fancy Southern cuisine restaurant. Then we headed back to our friend's house and they made me decide what I wanted to do for my birthday. I didn't have any desire to go out whatsoever, but I thought they did. So I felt really bad for suggesting to go home. When I saw my friend's relieved faces, I understood that the expectation wasn't to go shake our tail feathers...
So I'm 32. I'm where I want to be. I'm in the U.S. I have a good paying, interesting job. I have a nice apartment. I have a cute red mini cooper. I travel left and right whenever I feel like it. I go to my yoga classes. I play basketball once week. I'm sorta healthy. Life's good. I worked so hard for all of that. I'm where I wanna be.
But what next?
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
I'm a juvie driver
Today was a big day. I had to take my driver's written test. I am slightly under time pressure to get my driver's license because I had a year to do it and time is running up. I received a written warning from my car insurance clearly stating that past March 13th, they won't be able to renew my contract unless I submit a Mass driver's license.
Of course, I've known this for months. But who really wants to study the damn road rule book at 32??? (almost 32). Especially not if you are from Switzerland and the whole experience still gives you nightmares. So I procrastinated. But last night, I said alright, let me read this road book. Being the experienced driver that I am, I narrowed the book down to 60 important pages. Road signs and driving rules.
They sat me at a computer and I had to answer 20 questions correctly. I was allowed 3 mistakes.
It didn't take me long to realize that I had read the entirely wrong section of the damn book. Mass. judges more important to know about fines and punishments than the road signs (except for "what is the shape of the railroad track sign?").
I was down to my last question and had already striked three times so I could not get "if you are a juvenile driver and you get caught speeding for the second time, do you... a)..." Thankfully I was in luck today. I passed.
Now the next step is to go back to take my driving exam. My only problem is that I cannot drive to the exam as I drove to the written test. I need to pretend that someone drove me to the exam. That person needs to show their driver's license and wait for me to take the test. This could be the most challenging part of the exam: finding a sponsor.
Technically from now on, I'm a juvie. I'm only allowed to drive during day time and if I get caught speeding for the second time... What was that again?
Of course, I've known this for months. But who really wants to study the damn road rule book at 32??? (almost 32). Especially not if you are from Switzerland and the whole experience still gives you nightmares. So I procrastinated. But last night, I said alright, let me read this road book. Being the experienced driver that I am, I narrowed the book down to 60 important pages. Road signs and driving rules.
They sat me at a computer and I had to answer 20 questions correctly. I was allowed 3 mistakes.
It didn't take me long to realize that I had read the entirely wrong section of the damn book. Mass. judges more important to know about fines and punishments than the road signs (except for "what is the shape of the railroad track sign?").
I was down to my last question and had already striked three times so I could not get "if you are a juvenile driver and you get caught speeding for the second time, do you... a)..." Thankfully I was in luck today. I passed.
Now the next step is to go back to take my driving exam. My only problem is that I cannot drive to the exam as I drove to the written test. I need to pretend that someone drove me to the exam. That person needs to show their driver's license and wait for me to take the test. This could be the most challenging part of the exam: finding a sponsor.
Technically from now on, I'm a juvie. I'm only allowed to drive during day time and if I get caught speeding for the second time... What was that again?
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
my memory keeper
My grandma cannot remember what she ate for lunch, but she can remember that time she took me and my sister on vacation in her camping bus and we looked like skeletons in our bikinis. She can remember that day we kids thought it was a fun idea to put a plastic bag over the head of one of my cousins and make him run after us. She can remember that I used to love grape juice. She can remember the day she made me finish my glass of grape juice and it was my grandfather’s wine. She can remember all these fun memories of my childhood that I would not remember had she not told them to me over and over. Those memories keep us bonded. She is my memory keeper.
I think us grandchildren brightened up her life. She had it tough. She tried to cope with it the best she could, but she struggled. To this day, she struggles. It wasn’t easy being born in 1927 with a father that drank and mistreated her and her mom. It wasn’t easy to have to try to get dressed with the 2 francs that her father left her after she turned in her paycheck. It wasn’t freedom to have to get married to be able to get out of the house. It wasn’t as she had wanted it to divorce, work full time and raise 2 kids in the fifties. It wasn’t what she had planed to remarry to a violent drunk and to raise a third child dodging the blows. So finally, when life eased up a bit, she met a nice man, grandchildren spent a few weeks a year in her camping car or came on weekends at the small river cabin, life was a party. And she drank to it!
She is always so proud of how I go places; how I travel; how I earn a good living and how I’m not married!!! She wishes she was born when I was. She wishes she had the opportunities that I have. She reminds me to be thankful.
She is my memory keeper. Yet she is losing hers. And little by little, she is leaving us.
Nowadays, every time I go home, she says goodbye to me like it’s the last time we’ll ever see each other. She looks in my eyes and they tell me how much she loves me. She squeezes my hand and her eyes get teary. She waves until I’m completely out of sight and probably a little longer too.
She is declining by the week. A few days ago she fell and that put another rush into her aging.
Soon she will be leaving for good and taking all these happy childhood memories with her. I wish I could be there holding her hand when she checks out.
Gosh I will miss my mémé.
I think us grandchildren brightened up her life. She had it tough. She tried to cope with it the best she could, but she struggled. To this day, she struggles. It wasn’t easy being born in 1927 with a father that drank and mistreated her and her mom. It wasn’t easy to have to try to get dressed with the 2 francs that her father left her after she turned in her paycheck. It wasn’t freedom to have to get married to be able to get out of the house. It wasn’t as she had wanted it to divorce, work full time and raise 2 kids in the fifties. It wasn’t what she had planed to remarry to a violent drunk and to raise a third child dodging the blows. So finally, when life eased up a bit, she met a nice man, grandchildren spent a few weeks a year in her camping car or came on weekends at the small river cabin, life was a party. And she drank to it!
She is always so proud of how I go places; how I travel; how I earn a good living and how I’m not married!!! She wishes she was born when I was. She wishes she had the opportunities that I have. She reminds me to be thankful.
She is my memory keeper. Yet she is losing hers. And little by little, she is leaving us.
Nowadays, every time I go home, she says goodbye to me like it’s the last time we’ll ever see each other. She looks in my eyes and they tell me how much she loves me. She squeezes my hand and her eyes get teary. She waves until I’m completely out of sight and probably a little longer too.
She is declining by the week. A few days ago she fell and that put another rush into her aging.
Soon she will be leaving for good and taking all these happy childhood memories with her. I wish I could be there holding her hand when she checks out.
Gosh I will miss my mémé.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
The Good Enough Patricia
The perfectionist that I am struggles with being angry and failure. It makes my life so difficult to try to always please everyone, to never make a mistake and to feel like if I fight with someone they will leave me. No matter what I do, I'm always confronted with this feeling of helplessness and of failure when things don't go "my way". How many times has Mr. Beautiful been pissed off at me because everything always has to be "my way." I never understood it because I always tried to please him in any way I could. It would be so frustrating because when it didn't work or when he would be in a bad mood or angry, I would take it personally "what did i do wrong"? And it would end up being a big deal, when it could have just lasted a few minutes, half a day at worst.
It was this morning while drinking an espresso that the light bulb lit up: it's ok to be angry! It's written in O magazine. There is an actual study that says that the best parents are only "good parents" 30% of the time "leaving lots of time for failure". And the same is applicable to relationships. Getting angry at each other is normal; no need to freak out about it: "learning to transition between connection and separateness without losing faith is a great challenge." (What's wrong with being angry", O Magazine, February 2008) Check out this article: http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/200802/omag_200802_love.jhtml
To me, this is the biggest eye-opener. In the article, they call it the "good enough" response. All we have to do is a "good enough" person. Not perfect. Just good enough. Maybe I can become "the good enough Patricia". I like it. I like it. I like it.
It was this morning while drinking an espresso that the light bulb lit up: it's ok to be angry! It's written in O magazine. There is an actual study that says that the best parents are only "good parents" 30% of the time "leaving lots of time for failure". And the same is applicable to relationships. Getting angry at each other is normal; no need to freak out about it: "learning to transition between connection and separateness without losing faith is a great challenge." (What's wrong with being angry", O Magazine, February 2008) Check out this article: http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/200802/omag_200802_love.jhtml
To me, this is the biggest eye-opener. In the article, they call it the "good enough" response. All we have to do is a "good enough" person. Not perfect. Just good enough. Maybe I can become "the good enough Patricia". I like it. I like it. I like it.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
hormones and hibernation
"I don't know why you worry. You have everything going for you." That's what my boss said after I cried for 30 minutes in his office. How did I get to this point???
According to the book I'm reading, hormones affect all aspects of our lives. From lust, to appetite to feeling like going out, to productivity, to sleep, to socializing, and much more. That doesn't leave us with much will power, does it? But apparently, it's all scientifically documented.
According to my doctor, the one who put me on menopause-enducing hormones, I'm just depressed. It's the big scary word: depression. I am slowly but surely drifting apart from Mr. Beautiful whom I had clung to for so many years; I'm alone here in Boston and feeling lonely as hell; work is kicking my butt with too much work, too many responsibilites, too many uncertainties. Enough to be depressed, she says.
I'm confused. And yes, I'm depressed. My sleep patern is completely out of wack - one night this week, I didn't sleep one minute. Not even one. I have no appetite. I have no lust (which is actually a good thing considering that the no man in the horizon situation). I cry all the time for whatever reason (yesterday I spilled my coffee pot all over the stove and that started a tear attack). I feel stress out when I think of my work load. And that's all I seem to think about.
So I'm asking myself that. Is it the hormones? Are they affecting myself so much that I'm unable to live normally? Unable to go out and meet people? Because that would solve a lot of the problems: the loneliness, get my mind off of work and maybe even the lust thing!
But how do I know anymore when a year ago I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I had a surgery immediately followed by a three-month hormone treatment. Followed by a second surgery and a prescribed birth control pill that was supposed to regulate my hormone levels for three months and finally the latest six-month hormone treatment. How do I know anymore if it is the hormones or if I have lost total control over my life and my happiness?
This is all a big challenge right now. I can't do anything about the hormones because they have been injected in me. I'll continue to live like a saint until the effects are over: no alcohol, good food, good sleep, yoga, acuponcture, maybe more za-zen. The good thing is that the effects will start to wear off as the weather will start to warm up. Looks like I'm back to hibernating!
According to the book I'm reading, hormones affect all aspects of our lives. From lust, to appetite to feeling like going out, to productivity, to sleep, to socializing, and much more. That doesn't leave us with much will power, does it? But apparently, it's all scientifically documented.
According to my doctor, the one who put me on menopause-enducing hormones, I'm just depressed. It's the big scary word: depression. I am slowly but surely drifting apart from Mr. Beautiful whom I had clung to for so many years; I'm alone here in Boston and feeling lonely as hell; work is kicking my butt with too much work, too many responsibilites, too many uncertainties. Enough to be depressed, she says.
I'm confused. And yes, I'm depressed. My sleep patern is completely out of wack - one night this week, I didn't sleep one minute. Not even one. I have no appetite. I have no lust (which is actually a good thing considering that the no man in the horizon situation). I cry all the time for whatever reason (yesterday I spilled my coffee pot all over the stove and that started a tear attack). I feel stress out when I think of my work load. And that's all I seem to think about.
So I'm asking myself that. Is it the hormones? Are they affecting myself so much that I'm unable to live normally? Unable to go out and meet people? Because that would solve a lot of the problems: the loneliness, get my mind off of work and maybe even the lust thing!
But how do I know anymore when a year ago I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I had a surgery immediately followed by a three-month hormone treatment. Followed by a second surgery and a prescribed birth control pill that was supposed to regulate my hormone levels for three months and finally the latest six-month hormone treatment. How do I know anymore if it is the hormones or if I have lost total control over my life and my happiness?
This is all a big challenge right now. I can't do anything about the hormones because they have been injected in me. I'll continue to live like a saint until the effects are over: no alcohol, good food, good sleep, yoga, acuponcture, maybe more za-zen. The good thing is that the effects will start to wear off as the weather will start to warm up. Looks like I'm back to hibernating!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Tah Tah Tah, suchness and such things
Being back from Switzerland where I felt so cocooned by my family and friends turns out to be a little tough. So instead of slipping into panic and the usual rethinking of my entire life, I’ve decided to take action to find balance in my life.
I’m reading this book where the narrator spends 4 months in an Ashram in India to practice Yoga mediation. This is just what I need. Except that I don’t have 4 months to take off to India right now. But as I was walking out of Lilly’s, my favorite massage place, I saw a sign for “yoga meditation” across the street. Funny coincidence. So I walked over, talked to a couple of people and took a flyer.
But of course, as always, my biggest fear is to get myself to go, all alone, to a strange place with perfect stranger. So I bailed out.
I was saved by my acupuncturist, again, a woman with needles is much more persuasive. Turns out that her husband is a mason and a Buddhist master and he is coming to pick her up. She will introduce me to him.
The man is nice and invites me to a Zen session and an introduction meeting before hand. I have no more excuse. He is no more a perfect stranger.
So tonight I went. I was super nervous. Telling myself to calm down because being nervous was only going to make this whole meditation thing even hard – thus stressing me even more.
The Buddhist joint in Cambridge is in a huge, beautiful mansion in a fancy area. Zen is definitely how I want my house. The place is gorgeous.
Luigi, the mason – an Italian, gives me the intro. Explains how to sit. How to deal with the mind when it wanders. How to walk and how to drink tea. Then we meet the Austrian Zen Master or however you call the guy with the robes and the sort of pouch hanging from his neck. Then come two more participants. A young guy with a shaved head and a beard and a Chinese woman. We’re quite an interesting crowd.
The concept is to sit in the lotus position for 20 minutes; get up; bow; walk around without forgetting to flex the toes at each step; bow; sit and stare for 20 more minutes. Then the Zen Master gives a speech on a subject of his choice while we sit and stare. All I retained from the long monologue (it reminded me of the high school philosophy class that I had flunked) was Tah Tah Tah. (Who would not remember Tah Tah Tah?) I actually even remember what it means: suchness. Now, don’t ask me what “suchness” means. That I didn’t get because I caught a cramp in my left foot and I was using all my meditating power to make it go away.
Once he finally stopped talking and my cramp finally went away, we meditated for another 20 minutes and had tea. (My favorite part.)
Then we meditated some more, or did the walk thing, I forget. Finally after much bowing and clapping of wood sticks, it was already over. My objective was to make it through the first 20 minutes. I made it through 3-4 times 20 minutes! I am so proud of myself. Of course, my meditation is probably not the one of the Zen master, I doubt that he thinks about what he is going to wear the next day, how not so good his lunch was, how he has an itch slightly left of his left eye, how he needs a tan, how he could go to Charleston for the weekend because it’s a long weekend and might as well go away because otherwise what would he do here alone in Boston but then again if he doesn’t stay and try to make friends, Boston will always feel lonely but hey he could wear that pink shirt tomorrow oh yeah focus on the breathing; breathing in, breathing out 1; breathing in, breathing out 2; breathing in, breathing hem I’m getting hungry…
I’m reading this book where the narrator spends 4 months in an Ashram in India to practice Yoga mediation. This is just what I need. Except that I don’t have 4 months to take off to India right now. But as I was walking out of Lilly’s, my favorite massage place, I saw a sign for “yoga meditation” across the street. Funny coincidence. So I walked over, talked to a couple of people and took a flyer.
But of course, as always, my biggest fear is to get myself to go, all alone, to a strange place with perfect stranger. So I bailed out.
I was saved by my acupuncturist, again, a woman with needles is much more persuasive. Turns out that her husband is a mason and a Buddhist master and he is coming to pick her up. She will introduce me to him.
The man is nice and invites me to a Zen session and an introduction meeting before hand. I have no more excuse. He is no more a perfect stranger.
So tonight I went. I was super nervous. Telling myself to calm down because being nervous was only going to make this whole meditation thing even hard – thus stressing me even more.
The Buddhist joint in Cambridge is in a huge, beautiful mansion in a fancy area. Zen is definitely how I want my house. The place is gorgeous.
Luigi, the mason – an Italian, gives me the intro. Explains how to sit. How to deal with the mind when it wanders. How to walk and how to drink tea. Then we meet the Austrian Zen Master or however you call the guy with the robes and the sort of pouch hanging from his neck. Then come two more participants. A young guy with a shaved head and a beard and a Chinese woman. We’re quite an interesting crowd.
The concept is to sit in the lotus position for 20 minutes; get up; bow; walk around without forgetting to flex the toes at each step; bow; sit and stare for 20 more minutes. Then the Zen Master gives a speech on a subject of his choice while we sit and stare. All I retained from the long monologue (it reminded me of the high school philosophy class that I had flunked) was Tah Tah Tah. (Who would not remember Tah Tah Tah?) I actually even remember what it means: suchness. Now, don’t ask me what “suchness” means. That I didn’t get because I caught a cramp in my left foot and I was using all my meditating power to make it go away.
Once he finally stopped talking and my cramp finally went away, we meditated for another 20 minutes and had tea. (My favorite part.)
Then we meditated some more, or did the walk thing, I forget. Finally after much bowing and clapping of wood sticks, it was already over. My objective was to make it through the first 20 minutes. I made it through 3-4 times 20 minutes! I am so proud of myself. Of course, my meditation is probably not the one of the Zen master, I doubt that he thinks about what he is going to wear the next day, how not so good his lunch was, how he has an itch slightly left of his left eye, how he needs a tan, how he could go to Charleston for the weekend because it’s a long weekend and might as well go away because otherwise what would he do here alone in Boston but then again if he doesn’t stay and try to make friends, Boston will always feel lonely but hey he could wear that pink shirt tomorrow oh yeah focus on the breathing; breathing in, breathing out 1; breathing in, breathing out 2; breathing in, breathing hem I’m getting hungry…
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